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Biography
My passion to be a guide for others on their healing path grew out of my personal healing journey. My own personal experience of the dramatic changes that I experienced from healing the effects of past abuse created in me a burning passion to help others and show them that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As a survivor of physical and sexual abuse, I have known how painful it is not to have an empathetic witness to those memories and places of pain. However, I also know how the whole world becomes friendly and brighter when a person finds somebody who can really understand and who cares.
My path of self healing began at the age of seventeen following a series of osteopathic sessions as well as a series of acupuncture sessions. Both, especially the acupuncture, had a powerful catalytic effect of awakening memories and associated physical sensations within my body. Around the same time, I was confronted by a teacher who told me he believed I'd been abused sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally. He was right!
I began thinking a lot about how the abuses of my childhood had affected me, until I felt quite tormented and daunted!
I grew up on a farm in Ireland, the second eldest of nine children. As a child I experienced and watched my mother, my four brothers and four sisters being verbally taunted, threatened and demeaned on a daily basis, as well as severe beatings on a regular basis. There was a background atmosphere of terror in our household and the violence we all endured should never have been allowed to happen. It should never happen to anybody and even as a child I knew this, but was powerless to change it.
On a more covert level, I also had been sexually abused throughout my childhood by two men independently. My childhood had been literally drenched in terror and abuse and facing in to clearing all that toxicity out of my body, my mind and my life from the age of seventeen onwards was very daunting to say the least. But I was filled with a single minded determination to do just that and consequently the blinkers began lifting very dramatically. I started out on a very passionate path to find "peace of mind". I committed myself to the path completely. It became my main focus and priority in life as I knew that creating a healthy and peaceful life and mind depended on it. The path became my life and eventually developed into my life's work.
The fact that this path has been extremely painful and very lonely in the first ten years especially, pales in comparison to how richly rewarding and transformational it has been. It continues to be miraculous and my awareness of myself, the world and the complexities of the human psyche constantly evolves.
Between the ages 17 to 19, I focused on getting away from my previous reality and I became a very hard working and "successful" Systems Analyst. This period gave me great confidence in changing the patterns, gaining more confidence and self esteem and building my strength to live in another country (England) and take on change.
I became increasingly aware that in my mind and body I was controlling a huge volcano that was screaming out to burst free. Living under extreme pressure with my work, self medicating with way too much alcohol, the inner insanity became louder and louder. Eventually, I knew I was going through a nervous breakdown and was constantly experiencing horrifying flashbacks and needed to escape from people at every possible opportunity to cry and write, tons of both. I would spend many hours dancing through the pain, moving into it and through it and breathing it out of my body. I finally told my boss that I had to take time out to learn Transcendental Meditation and to totally focus on healing my past. He warned me to watch out for the demons, but I soon realized that the journey of finding and facing my demons was exactly where I needed to go.
On the second day of learning the meditation, I suddenly got the sense of what the teacher spoke about, he spoke about not trying. I was in such immense anguish and anxiety at that time that the concept of not fighting or trying offered the potential relief that I was crying out for. I closed my eyes and just fell deeper and deeper and deeper into a place of immense peace and softness within myself. Like the sun finally shining through the storm clouds, a huge spring of light and joy burst my heart open. I opened my eyes and the world had totally changed, everyone had changed in my eyes. I beamed the hugest smile and looked lovingly at the others assuming, of course, they'd all had the same experience! I'll never forget that day walking around Camden Town in London seeing beautiful bright coloured auras around everyone. It was both the most extraordinary experience and at the same time it seemed totally natural, it was like being a little girl again, the experience re-awoken a glimpse of similar experiences I'd had at times during my childhood years, literally seeing and experiencing incredible beauty in and around everyone and everything. I had just discovered paradise and believed my troubles were over. I passionately wanted to share my experience with everyone, wanted to tell the world about my new found answer to all of life's problems. It took a while to sadly come back to earth with that one!
I continued to meditate twice daily and more often than not, I would suddenly drop into a profoundly deep state and experience visions that, each time, radically changed my perception of reality and gave me a deeper understanding of how things really worked energetically in the world. The essence was the extent to which we all send out the energy that attracts similar energies to us. Although, there were endless new angles offered to me in and around this basic understanding.
One day, out of my meditation, a very vivid vision suddenly appeared in front of me giving me a huge wake up jolt. I saw myself standing on top of a cliff, looking down on paradise, the most beautiful scene of soft green grass, flowers, palm trees and fruit trees extending to golden sand and then the turquoise sea stretched out to the horizon. My heart was filled with awe and excitement, I was so thirsty to be in this place. The feeling was one of expansiveness, peace, light, freedom, warmth and happiness, and I wanted to be there with all my heart. But then with another jolt, I realized what a dangerous steep path I had to climb down to get there. I was suddenly terrified of facing the knowing of the path I had to climb down, through the depths of my self, before I would really be living in my paradise, (in myself) before my feet would be on solid and stable ground. I looked again at the destination and knew I was being shown a glimpse of the journey that lay ahead.
A big part of me really could see what lay ahead and I was terrified, but I knew that there was no turning back and I knew I'd get there. I realized it would take all the courage I could find to keep moving towards freedom. I have never forgotten that image. It has often helped me keep moving forward and would always give me such a strong feeling of being guided, the feeling that we're all in it together, me and my team of helpers, me and the whole of humanity. This same image has also helped me appreciate so many times the journey that I have survived.
On my journey, I have been blessed at the beginning of each new level of challenges, each new stage of life, to always be given visions of what lies ahead. This always fills me with huge excitement and acts like a huge carrot to get me across the hot coals to the other side. The essence of my visions always offers a bright shining light that pours over me, bringing healing to the layers of pain that have inevitibly surfaced with each new stage of life.
Despite the warning of the teachers, who recommend not meditating for longer than twenty minutes at a time, (for good reason), I regularly meditated for a couple of, or even several, hours at a time. I have always loved being in my meditation and always accessed it easily, it was the only constant through years of intensive change. In the beginning months, every meditation brought so much peace and relief, but also had the effect of bringing my buried memories and emotions to the surface even more intensely. Despite seeing a counsellor and writing and dancing, I was totally overwhelmed and knew I needed to give myself all the space I needed to release from my body all the pain that needed to be released. So, I gave my notice at work and decided to go travelling. I had no idea at that stage of how harrowing and totally life changing the months that followed would be.
By the time I returned back to England and Ireland many months later I was a totally transformed and awakened version of my self. Although, in retrospect I can see that it was just the first steps of an incredible journey of transformation. I knew very very clearly that I was a healer and had very strong psychic and spiritual gifts. My perception of myself, of people, of the world I lived in was radically changed and radically different from anyone I knew or had ever read about at that point. I read book after book looking for parallels to the experiences I'd had. It was very frustrating not to have any vocabulary or frame of reference for the my experiences. In retrospect, I'm amazed at the commitment and passion for my healing journey despite not having any external mirrors of validation or support. I never forgot about the hurt inner child I'd rescued, I would have and did endure anything before abandoning myself again. I did understand that I'd been into and through insanity and actually felt I had so much understanding of the layers of insanity that I could write books on the subject and still believe I will one day. I had so much to share but nowhere to go with it.
"You'll discover through the experience of your madness,
the most amazing sanity and clarity of thought.
Beneath the layers of pain and sadness
you'll find the freedom, which you always sought".
At this time, I wrote a lot of poems and drew alot of pictures. These were the only ways that I could even attempt to describe my experiences, but even then I didn't have the courage to show them to anyone. I'd spend months on end, day after day relentlessly "Balancing on the edge of the pure ice pleasure of unbearable pain and screaming relief". I'd walked a very fine line for months on end that literally felt like the edge of death and totally insanity. I'd had one flashback and regression experience after another relentlessly for weeks and months on end. I'd re-experienced my childhood from so many different angles. I'd also had continuous transpersonal experiences of being at one with everything, of being pure light. I now knew what this "heaven" and this "hell" was all about. My life was a never ending journey through these territories. The emotional pain was nothing short of excruciating and a part of me was desperate for help all the time. Yet another part of me seemed to know that I was the best person, the only person to take me through to the other side safely. The only way I could even imagine describing it to anyone, not that there was anyone to describe it to, was the analogy of what I imagined it would be like to experience LSD trips continuously for weeks on end.
It blows me away that I did get through and that I didn't loose my sanity, as so many people do during such spiritual awakenings. But then my connection with Spirit was so strong that it felt like I was literally plugged straight into the centre of the mainframe. My spiritual experiences were so strong, and the charge of the awakened shock that the light provoked, it felt like I was being electrified. It felt like electric shock treatment, as my body would literally get thrown around with the huge charges of electrical energy charging through my nervous system and veins. I used to get static shocks off walls and objects that weren't even metal. I have since come to understand that it was a full blown kundalini awakening.. I have since read that Kundalini awakenings are often describes as being high voltage.The nervous system in my whole body was so raw that I needed to spend a lot of time lying on the sand or grass or swimming in the sea, to ground the electricity in my body.
At one point my boyfriend at the time came out to Spain to visit me. This was in the thick of
The healing that was happening was so intense that I needed to focus on releasing the energies from my body constantly. I quickly learned many ways to do this, because when they started to build up without outlet for more than an hour or so, I could feel a fit building up, so I would drop everything and run down to the ocean and jump in. I naturally felt the need to massage and smooth out the little knots at the end of my nerves in my hands and feet. As well as this experience being harrowing and horrific beyond description, there was also alot of ecstasy with each huge surge of breaking through to the other side of any particular journey through hell.
For months I'd literally either been in unbearable pain, going through catharsis or incredible experiences of celestial ecstasy and peace. One way or another I believe that I was in altered states of consciousness constantly. Nearly inevitably at the end of the cathartic kundalini fits, I would be taken to such experiences of spiritual freedom and expansion that seemed to fill my body and my whole being with the softest deepest light and divine love. At times it would feel like I was being healed and embraced by all the angels and light beings of the universe, soothing my pain and showing me glimpses of the future. At the end of any one of these "fits", I felt like I'd literally come back from the dead after being down to the pit of hell and then taken up to the heights of heaven. I've unfortunately burned the dozens of journals I used to have from those times and early years of recovery. But many of the visions and realizations I had at that time, I've never and will never forget, because they were so profound and awakened me in ways that still to this day continue to unfold for me. Despite the total insanity of those times, for me many of these experiences were very very pure and clear, bringing total clarity and showing me exactly how the world and the universe really works. No matter how much pain was involved they were all very real and very sober.
The realizations of how things work energetically and seeing how everything I've ever experienced in every lifetime has subsequently affected and been connected to every experience in this lifetime, really liberated me from the boxes of good and bad. As much as I was finally beginning to feel the true intensity of all the terror and rage of abuses I'd endured, it was so empowering to discover that everything that was inside of me, I could get out of me. With every crazy experience I had, I always had the same feelings and still to this day have the experience of, "oh my God, this has been inside me for all these years, all these ages". This always brings compassion towards myself and further commitment to feeling whatever needs to be felt in order to release it from my system..
Feeling my feelings became totally separate and liberated from the binds of "but, they this that and the other", I no longer had to torment my mind trying to figure out whose reality was "right" or the most valid, was it his fault or mine, did I ask for it or not. It became totally clear that all of this was totally and utterly irrelevant and not does a person have the right to let themselves feel what they feel, it was essential!! I could feel how all these repressed feelings were killing me, I understood that everybody's mental and physical ailments were all the same thing, all the manifestations of layers and layers of repressed emotions turned to poison in the body.
I was so excited about my realizations, it was a huge liberation to change my reality forever. It's not that my mind was never to bash about and intellectualize my emotions, but the part of me that knows that that is totally not where it's at has always been here since and has just become stronger and stronger and more parts of me have also received such liberation. I remember trying to explain all this to my friend who had traveled to Europe with me at this time. I was referring to friend of the family who had abused between the ages of four and thirteen. I told my friend that I no longer cared whether he was right or wrong, whether his intentions were good or bad, whether he knew the effects of what he was doing or not. She kept insisting that he was wrong to have done what he'd done, which of course I knew, but knowing that was never enough in the past for me to validate my feelings, any feelings around it. Before, it was as if he would have to have been pronounced guilty in court, and consequently I'd be believed by my family and the world and given permission to feel the feelings that had been sitting inside me and making me sick all those years. Much to my frustration and hers, my friend just couldn't understand, at that point, any of these things that to me were suddenly so so obvious.
It was the beginning of being set free of all the torment of not being seen, not being believed and being emotionally invisible. Before this point, I couldn't really come to terms with how I could ever move on from the insanity of the past without others in my world also waking up to it all. I had felt forced to repress my feelings unless somebody else was to invite them. All my life I'd secretly hoped, as everyone does, that somebody will decide that I was entitled to feel my feelings, which in our society very rarely ever happens. It hadn't even occurred to me that I could give myself permission to feel what I felt, but now I knew with crystal clarity that it was essential and it the only way to truly be free. Even at this point, I felt certain that if the world could just get this, everything could change. I could see that from domestic fights to world wars, they were all power struggles to gain redemption, understanding, empowerment, confidence, faith, you name it from others. I could see that all these struggles were at attempt to reach that ultimate moment of being true seen and understood - so that they could then give themselves the permission to let themselves feel their repressed feelings and consequently free themselves of the poison of repressed emotions that cause everybody constant pain on all levels.
After these experiences I wanted to learn everything I could that would help me find vocabulary for my new insights and experiences. I began reading lots of books. They all helped, Louise Hay's beautiful words in "You can Heal Your Life" brought me nurturing daily, Seth's books "Seth Speaks" and "The Nature of Personal Reality" certainly spoke my language and the experiences revealed in Arthur Janov's "Primal Scream" were all very familiar and affirming to me. Yet it wasn't until I discovered shamanism years later that I actually experienced that I'd found the path that was big enough, deep enough, broad enough, to encompass and support my own path. It connected me with that very ancient feelings and memories I held of walking this path in many different ways in so many lifetimes. Shamanism felt like the world I belonged in, the world I felt most aligned to, the path that really embodied the true wisdom of the human experience on this planet, by encompassing everything. I loved that it was a path that truly honored all paths and realities. Because for me as soon as a path separated itself from others on other paths, it lost the essence of what it means to be spiritual, which to me is the knowing that we are part of everything and everyone and everything and everyone is part of us.
In the years that followed, I knew I was being given everything I needed to integrate what I'd been through and that the light beings would continue to take me to all the places that I needed to be taken to, to prepare me and train me to eventually manifest my visions and share my experiences and wisdom for the benefit of others on similar paths. I became totally dedicated to the healing of the human psyche, the healing of Mother Earth, the healing of our family trees, the healing of the blindness and numbness of denial, the healing of the shadow and the integration of the Masculine and Feminine selves within. I felt like I'd literally come back from the dead after being down to the pit of hell and up to the heights of heaven.
However, I was as sensitive as a new born baby, very raw and unable to cope with the harsh energies that were everywhere. I couldn't yet protect myself from the energies, emotions and even thoughts of others and needed to be a hermit until I recovered and regained strength. I soon enlisted in the first of many healing courses based on Barbara Brennan's work and Rosalind Bruyere's work and began to gain a vocabulary for my world of energies. Learning about the chakras and energy fields was very affirming and everything I learned confirmed even more how real my experiences were and began the process of grounding all I'd been through and would continue to go through.
I worked with a healer called Annie Dixon (author of "A Manual of Healing") who taught Jin Shin Do. This was my first experience of somebody else seeing and feeling some of the things within me that I experienced so strongly and actually putting words to it. She was an amazing angel on the path for me and I also had the privilege of doing a little bit of training with her. I then began working with Patsy Kavanagh, a trained rebirther and very gifted healer, who had a lot of experience in dealing with abuse and trauma. The rebirthing took me to the next level of remembering and re-experiencing traumas held in my body and consequently greater levels of setting myself free.
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